| Author |
Message |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation:  |  Posts: 5,494 |
| | Posted: | | | | For my son's Birthday we bought him an iPod, my daughter got an iPhone for hers
and for my Birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad. Thinking along the same lines I got my wife an iRon - and then the fight started.... | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: |  Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
(But for me, this is good news! Tomorrow is a public holiday here in RSA) | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | The police received a call for help.
"Please help, a cat just climbed in the window"
"What do you mean, a cat?" asked the policeman
"A cat, a f@#$% cat! a thing that goes miaaaauw...........
He's coming for me! Ooooooooohhhh f#@$, Nooooooooooo.......!!"
"Are you pulling my leg?" asked the policeman
"No!! Heeeeeeeeellllllllllpppppppppp!!!"
"To whom am I talking?" asked the policeman
"To the f@#$% parrot!!!" | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 5,494 |
| | Posted: | | | | A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty...
You're crazy to go to Rome ...
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 'S Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
"You and million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant."
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really, what'd he say?"
He said: "Who the F uck did your hair?" | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f#cking putt, didn't you." | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | It can only be South African home affairs...
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Sipho Mthethwa and I asked:
"How did you ever get a name like Sipho Mthethwa, being a Chinese man?"
"Many, many years ago when come to this country, was stand in line at HomeAffairs Document Center.
Man in front was big black man.
Lady atCounter look at him and ask, "What is your name", he says, "Sipho Mthethwa".
Then she looks at me and asks, "What your name?"
I say, "Sem Ting". | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Three Zulu men walk out of a mental hospital hoping to escape. The first says, "If there's a high fence, we'll dig under it!"
The second says, "If there's a low fence, we'll jump over it!"
The third says, "Well, we're out of luck, Madoda! There is no fence..."
So they just went back to their rooms to plan again. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 |  Posts: 1,796 |
| | Posted: | | | | Puns
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
3. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
5. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
6. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
8. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
9. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
10. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Note:
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | EXAM ANSWERS
* H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
* To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
* A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
* Liter: A nest of young puppies.
* Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
* Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
* The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
* To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
* For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
* For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
* The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
* When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't breathe, you expire.
* The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
* Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
* Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
* Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
* Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
* To prevent contraception use a condominium. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Divorced Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Why I fired my secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word... So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 | | Posts: 1,796 |
| | Posted: | | | | A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG! | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.......
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
|
|