IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,

'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.... I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,

'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer inWichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch atTexas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .... and they VOTE

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY 
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,  God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.  It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'  And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'  And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes    Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.  ' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?' 
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' 
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Nelson Mandela, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a cheque. Finally Nelson Mandela gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call South Africa anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Nelson Mandela got to call South Africa free. The devil replied, "Since Jacob Zuma became president of South Africa, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

In a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I ' m too young to die," she wails. Then she
yells, "Well, if I ' m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" 

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Indian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with black hair and SOFT WARM BROWN eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.............
one button at a time. No one moves, .He removes his shirt. ..................
Muscles ripple across his chest. ..............
She gasps....
He stares deeply into her eyes. .She starts to feel faint. ...................



He whispers softly: "Iron this, and get me something to eat."

The Loving Husband...

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.  While they were there, the  wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped  home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The  undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it  would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance. ! "

Wax anyone??!!

(I don't have a clue who wrote this, but WHAT A RIOT!)
 
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.   Read on..
 
My night began as any other normal weeknight.  Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids.  I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
 
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'  So I headed to the site of my demise:  the bathroom.
 
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.  No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
 
No muss, no fuss.  How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
 
So I pull on of the thin strips out.  Its two strips facing each other stuck together.  Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
 
('Cold wax,' yeah.. Right!)  I lay the strip across my thigh.  Hold the skin around it tight and pull.  IT WORKS!
 
Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.  I can do this!  Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
 
With my next wax strip I move north.  After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.  I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.  Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPP!
 
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!
 
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.  CRAP!  Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.  I think I may pass out..must stay conscious.. must stay conscious.
 
Do I hear crashing drums???? Breathe, breathe.OK, back to normal.  I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.  I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.  I hold up the strip.  There's no hair on it.  Where is the hair???  WHERE IS THE WAX????
 
Slyly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.  I see the hair.  The hair that should be on the strip.. It's not!!  I touch.  I am touching wax.
 
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.  Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
 
Sealed shut!  My butt is sealed shut.  Sealed shut!
 
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.  My head may pop off!'   What can I do to melt the wax?
 
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!!  I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right????  *WRONG!!!!!!!*
 
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. 
 
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub..in scalding hot water.  Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
 
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
 
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.  It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
 
There is a slight pause.  She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.  She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
 
She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
 
YEAH!!!! RIGHT!!!!  I should be the joke of someone else's night.
 
While we go through the various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better than having your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!!
 
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
 
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace..the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.  What do I really have to lose at this point?  I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!
 
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.  Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.  'IT WORKS!!!!  It works!!!!'
 
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.  I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..THE HAIR IS STILL THERE..ALL OF IT!
 
So I recklessly shave it off.  Heck, I'm numb by now.  Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
 
Next week I'm going to try hair color!