SALULAH

Vodacom : How may we help you?

Customer : This is Julius Malema and I haff a big problem with my phone bill.. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Vodacom : Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before.
You must please trace these calls for me.

Vodacom : Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer : This one does.

Vodacom : What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer  : A mobile. I tell you this.

Vodacom : No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

Customer : An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Vodacom worker continued.

Customer : Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer : For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N.  -  Erection.

Another moment's silence from Vodacom, and suddenly the penny dropped.

Vodacom : Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer : For sure. C..E..L...L..U..L..A...R.  -  Salulah.





For those that may no know, Julius Malema is the president of the ANC League in RSA and has his foot in his mouth more that he realises due to his utter stupidity!

Confused
I  became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.

South African Revenue  'Service'
Postal  'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Municipal 'Service'
Civil  'Service'
South African Police 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I  thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us. 

You are now as enlightened as I am.

Ins and Outs of Cricket !!!
There are two sides, one out in the field the other one in.

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.  His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!"  Mom screams.  "Knock it off."  You're going to break something.  He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the
store.  He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.  A diarrhea run.  She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.  She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!  She calls her doctor.  The doctor is
baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.  Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!  The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.  On him, the walls, etc.
   

"Doctor! Doctor!  Are you all right?" she
asks.
   

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!

New Generic Name for Viagra



In Pharmacology, all drugs  have two names, a trade name and generic name.  For example,  the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.  Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin  and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were  Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course,  Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will  soon be available in liquid form, and will be
marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff  one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and  it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",  "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."

Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory dickory dock,
Three mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one,
and the others got away with minor injuries

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise.
    Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
    that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster. 
    Want to live longer?  Take a  nap. 

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.
    And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient
    mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.  Need grain?  Eat  chicken. 
    Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable). 
    And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake? 
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,
      that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more
    of the goodness that  way.  Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms  up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat  ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one. 
    If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!


        Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you? 
        A:  YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil. 
              In fact,  they're permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you? 

        Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
        A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
              You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger  stomach. 

        Q:  Is  chocolate bad for me? 
        A:  Are  you crazy? HELLO  Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!!
              It's the best feel-good  food around!

    Q:  Is  swimming good for your figure? 
        A:  If  swimming is good for  your figure,  explain whales to  me.

        Q:  Is getting  in-shape important for my  lifestyle? 
        A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape! 

Well,  I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may  have had about  food  and diets.

And  remember:


'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention
of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body,
but rather  to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other -
body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and 
screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'


   
   
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
      and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2.. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
      and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you.

 

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called  The Present.'

About Penguins

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? 


Ever wonder where they go?  Wonder no more. 


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. 


The penguins have a very strong community bond.  They are very committed to their family and will mate for life. 


They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life. 



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....











..."freeze a jolly good fellow…"






Corny, I know!