A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all of the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says "You should have stopped while he was ahead."

Quoting Rander:

Quote:
Daddy’s Ten Rules for Dating

Considering a have a 13 year starting highschool...... I LIKE IT

Q. Why are pirates called pirates?
A.  Because they yarr!

Thank you, I'm here all week. 

What did the hurricane say to the walnut tree?















"Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow-job."    

Quoting kemper:

Quote:
Quoting Rander:

Quote:
Daddy’s Ten Rules for Dating

Considering a have a 13 year starting highschool...... I LIKE IT

I have no children, but I can easily identify with some of these things. 

Heard a good one today.. :

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Quoting Kathy:

Quote:
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to
a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.


One day, a Navajo Elder and his son came across the space crew walking
among the rocks. The Elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big
suits doing?"


One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the Moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo Elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to
deliver to the Moon.  Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw
one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why
certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.


The Navajo elders comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate.  So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby
Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too
laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the Elder's
message to the Moon.


An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped
laughing, the translator relayed the message the Elder wanted sent to the
Moon:


"WATCH OUT FOR THESE unfriendly personS. . .THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND"

                     

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife then asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?