The Manhood Ceremony

A young brave was being inducted through his manhood ceremony to join the warriors of the tribe. He was faced with three tents.

In the first one was a gallon of plum wine, which he had to drink in one go. In the second was a mountain lion with toothache; he had to remove the painful tooth. In the third was a woman who had never had an orgasm, who he had to pleasure.

The young brave entered the first tent, and after a while staggered out, very drunk, holding the empty wine skin. The warriors all applauded.

The young brave then staggered into the second tent with the tribal members all holding their breath. There were terrible screams and growls, which got worse and worse as time went on, culminating in such a loud shriek that the tribe was convinced the young brave must be dead.

But finally the young brave staggered out, bruised and bleeding, and said, "Now take me to the woman with a toothache...."

HISTORY OF THE MIDDLE FINGER

The History of the Middle  Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.  Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?   

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.  Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.  This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

Judas Asparagus:

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.  This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.  Through the eyes of a child:  The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Japanese Banking up the Creek too??


It gets worse. I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector:
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal!

Quoting Caroline:

Quote:
FULL MARKS FOR THE INGENUITY !!

This may explain why 4 Indians are on the Billionaire list this year

Indian Brain . . ..

This is not a story but a true incident that happened in USA.*

An Indian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to India on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Indian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"
The Indian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the brain of the Indian... This is why India is shining.

This is a very old joke.  I heard with an older blonde woman instead of an Indian.

DWI-Lousiiana Style

Only a person in Louisiana could think this.
From the parish where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Mamou , Louisiana .

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot zor a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man
managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,
flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Coonass. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
__________

This actually happened:
While I was working on a computer at NASA, Merritt Island, Fla. I used have to help some friends of mine were installing a system in Orlando, Fla. on processor problems.

There was a bar they all hung out at. One of the field engineers had a little to much to drink one night. When the bar closed he got in car and got stuck in the sandy parking lot.

There he was setting in his car, wildly spinning his tires when a officer came up and tapped on his window.

He rolled down the window and said to the officer, "you can't be standing there I'm going sixty miles per hour."
Fortunately the bar owner came out and rescued him.

Gynecologist  or  Mechanic...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burnt out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President
and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine,
"I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no
longer President and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same U.S. Marine, saying
"I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to
Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the President and
no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."