Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up next,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says: 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull:

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull shiitake mushroom might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shiitake mushrooms on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shiitake mushroom is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shiitake mushroom, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be
of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Welcome to the Okanagan!                                                             

May 30th:
Just moved to THE SUNNY OKANAGAN. NOW THIS IS THE PLACE TO LIVE ... Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 30 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?  At least it's kind of windy though.  But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool.  Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.  I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stunk up the upholstery.  The car now smells like Kibbles and shiitake mushrooms.  I learned my lesson though.  No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks.  It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!  And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the Fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $500,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees.  Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.  It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 20.  I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise-ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him.  Damn heat.  By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work.  Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire.  I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.  Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
 
Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny! Hot and sunny! Hot and sunny!  It's been too hot to do shiitake mushroom for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert??  Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.


Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!!  Temperature got to 40 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'  My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking OKANAGAN!! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??


Will write later to let you know how the trial went.

Quoting widescreenforever:

Quote:
Welcome to the Okanagan!                                                             

May 30th:
Just moved to THE SUNNY OKANAGAN. NOW THIS IS THE PLACE TO LIVE ... Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 30 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?  At least it's kind of windy though.  But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool.  Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.  I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stunk up the upholstery.  The car now smells like Kibbles and shiitake mushrooms.  I learned my lesson though.  No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks.  It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!  And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the Fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $500,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees.  Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.  It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 20.  I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise-ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him.  Damn heat.  By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work.  Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire.  I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.  Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
 
Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny! Hot and sunny! Hot and sunny!  It's been too hot to do shiitake mushroom for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert??  Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.


Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!!  Temperature got to 40 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'  My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking OKANAGAN!! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??


Will write later to let you know how the trial went.

I live there, except it is called Yuma, AZ!!!

I live in Glendale, Arizona, try going to the coast from Phoenix thru Yuma when a dust storm comes up, it sand blasts your car.

Today, I went to Walgreens at about 3:00 PM to get some insulin for the dog. Came out of Walgreens, got in the truck and it wouldn't start.  walked home about 1.5 to 2 miles in 100 degrees  and monsoon humidity.

I was surprised I could walk that far in this heat at 74 old, Only damage, my ice cream melted.

Called a friend and went back and tried to jump start it. No luck. Called my insurance company to get my free tow number. The tow man was pretty sharp, said it was the solenoid, Fords are bad about that, he said. He shorted the solenoid out and it started. Now tomorrow I have get ride to Checker and replace it. About $10 or so.

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes'.

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine hand a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents'.

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end!

JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas
 
  Number Ten:
  Decorating the house (with plywood).
 
  Number Nine:
  Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.
 
  Number Eight:
  Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

  Number Seven:
  Regular TV shows pre-empted for 'Specials'.
 
Number Six:
Family coming to stay with you.

Number Five:
Family and friends from out of state calling you.
 
Number Four:
Buying food you don't normally buy . . . and in large quantities.
 
Number Three:
Days off from work.
 
Number Two:
Candles.

.........  And the Number One reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:


At some point you're probably going to have a tree in your house!